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Post by Admin on Jul 1, 2012 22:14:44 GMT -5
Its morning. It's quiet. I didn't pass a single other person on the streets. As I wandered I listened to the Sisters of Mercy for the first time in months. It felt good. It felt right. It eased my mind in a way that nothing else can.
Most of the music I listen to has some kind of connotation associated with it to me. Psyclone 9 makes me remember my history exam, Bauhaus makes me remember drunken nights of debauchery and holding lean bodies close. Butterfly by crazy town makes me remember all the times I watched orange county in my friends basement when I was younger. The power that music has over me is profound.
I stopped for a smoothie in my travels. Amazing what stories people tell cashiers. As if they care. Like they need to relate to every stranger they see. I don't understand these people. I don't understand any people. Why are the monsters easier for me to relate to than my fellow man?
I haven't seen many of my friends in weeks. I've barely left my apartment. It's just been too much for me. The idea of leaving scares me. I don't want to face the harsh realities. Not just yet. Though I haven't sought out any of my friends they haven't sought me out either. This doesn't surprise me in the least. I think it should upset me but it doesn't.
Since I haven't left the apartment I'm starving. My body and mind are getting weak. I can feel the lone cafe worker cleaning behind the counter. It would be so easy for me to reach out with my power and suck in her emotions, her aura. I don't. Feeding doesn't interest me. I ignore the hunger and push it from my mind.
Its time I start back home. I want to rise from the chair that I sit on, but I just can't make myself.
Ninty nine red balloons, the English version comes on the radio and it brings a smile to my face for a minute until I remember that I like the German version better.
I'm so cold I shake. I'm wearing a sweater. For a summer night in Retermositoa its chilly outside. It's even colder inside this little place. A little whiskey would help to warm me up. I wish that I had brought my bag with me. My silver flask would be welcome.
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Post by Admin on Aug 19, 2012 19:58:44 GMT -5
I only talk out-loud to myself when I'm grocery shopping.
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Post by Admin on Sept 25, 2012 1:10:19 GMT -5
Today I got told I'm toxic. With the way that I can manipulate people--use them to get what I want--I can believe it.
It just really hurts to hear it out loud.
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Post by Admin on Oct 14, 2012 0:49:52 GMT -5
"Sex is a weapon, it's like a drug..."
And I only use it against myself.
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Post by Admin on Oct 28, 2012 1:02:41 GMT -5
I'm so sick of everyone I know. Why do they feel like I have nothing going on in my life. Why do they assume that I'm available at their beck and call to do the things that they want to do. They never seem to be available when I want to do something. Never have time for me. Am I being selfish? Maybe. But it just irks me to no end.
I can always manage to find $20 when a friend really needs a night out. No one seems to be able to even muster $10 for me. What the hell. I've always been great with money. Always had some kicking around for fun. Even now, when I don't know if I can make rent next month, I still have enough money to have a night on the town. How can these people not even find bus fare?
I feel like I haven't left my apartment in days. I was invited to a Holloween party for tonight, and when I tried to get a hold of my date before the weekend, he was unreachable. He called me tonight at 1:30am, saying that he was feeling down and didn't want to talk to anyone so he had his phone off. That's great--now I feel the same way. Couldn't send me a text saying "no-go on the party"? I didn't get ready, didn't shower, didn't even get out of my pjs when I woke up this afternoon. I know that today is the weekend before Holloween. I know that tonight is when all the young people will be dressed up and acting like idiots. I know that tonight could have been a laugh riot of drunkenness with strangers. But I need someone to start the night with.
I also couldn't find my fangs ANYWHERE.
Holloween this year just doesn't hold the same majesty that it has in the past. Too much negativity is centered upon it. I don't have a costume. I don't have fangs. I don't have f(r)iends with me. There's a bunch of other shit too, but some secrets I need to keep.
I think its late enough and raining hard enough now that I'm going to take my Concrete Blonde playlist for a walk past all the closed seedy bars downtown that I was too miserable to enjoy tonight.
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Post by Admin on Oct 28, 2012 2:36:18 GMT -5
A drunk girl who said "Hi!" to me, and a lost man in a tutu brightened my night and made life bareable for one more night.
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Post by Admin on Dec 10, 2012 1:15:06 GMT -5
I am not the same person I was on Thursday.
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Post by Admin on Dec 13, 2012 21:15:19 GMT -5
I've been waiting for months, waiting for years, waiting for you to change. Aw, but there ain't much that's dumber, there ain't much that's dumber than pinning your hopes on a change in another. And I, yeah I still need you, but what good's that gonna do? Needing is one thing, and getting - getting's another.
-"Needing/Getting" by Ok Go
Why is it that I can't learn some life lessons until I hear them in a song?
"Try being a freak in the real world." - Gypsy83
I've been thinking about that line in the movie all day. thinking about it and thinking about how I'm trying to be a freak in the real world. I don't wear just black anymore. One of my favourite shirts is coral coloured. That's practically pink! I've changed. i know that. I'm always changing--from one day to the next. But i never seemed to fit into the freak scene, so can i say i was ever in it? Then again, i don't fit into any scene. being normal is hard for me to fake. I've ignored proper social behaviour for too long. i know that I've learned it all at some point. To say hello to people you don't care about, to ask how people are doing, to be the first one to extend a handshake. I know these customs, but they are still so alien to me. never my first thought. And it always catches me by surprise when they happen to me.
You can tell him five times, or tell him ten, how easily you can start again
- "Pillowtalk" by Gerran Howell
I want to start again. Could it really be that easy?
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Post by Admin on Dec 31, 2012 2:21:49 GMT -5
"Brand New Love"
The desperate eyes that close, maybe it goes away. Please rest tomorrow,and bring a satisfied day. The restless urge of love that's worth, the burning for. Surely it's that one comforting, love to give you more. And this thought can be that begins, the brand new tangled web you're spinning. Anyone can be your brand new love. Any time the force can be broken, to tear your bitter world to be open. Anyone can be your brand new love. You won't be the first. Your twisted change is normal...gossip, dirt. Whisper to the nodding head, thrilled you fell apart instead of them. But they will,'cause any hope for love can be killed. If you need a different face, it's definite time to destroy this place. Follow what you feel, you alone will decide what's real. Anyone can be your brand new love
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Post by Admin on Feb 20, 2013 3:05:11 GMT -5
I am almost exactly where I wanted to be 10 years ago. And it sucks.
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Post by Admin on Mar 21, 2013 6:38:55 GMT -5
I want a new place to live. This place, I've been here for a long while now and it still doesn't feel like home. The walls are not a colour of my choosing. Nor are the curtains. All the furniture here was bought by others and given to me--charity. The dishes in the cupboard are white with a blue flower pattern. I'm thankful that I have something to eat off of, but they don't reflect me at all. The only cups I have that speak to my character are three plastic cups I bought at the dollar store around Halloween. They are black with cute skeletons on them. I constantly feel like I'm house sitting for someone. That at any moment I will need to tidy the mess I've made and walk out the door, never to come back. I don't know how to make this space mine. And it feels like oh, such a small place. I love big open rooms, or small cramped quarters that seem like a constant embrace. This place between the two is disconcerting for me. I don't think it would be so bad if I had someone to share it with. But I don't, and I doubt I ever will. Freelove - Depeche Mode *Ofcourse Depeche Mode would know exactly what I'm feeling right now
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Post by Admin on May 27, 2013 19:10:03 GMT -5
Pure by Orgy
Don’t you bring me down Kick me when I’m down Put me away again Every now and then Your bottle spinning my fate As I hold my breath And you say you don’t want any part of this now Where did it go so wrong I guess I’m finally finding out It’s got me tripping now The little things, everywhere I go It’s such a shame Why you held on, so long Why don’t you confuse me a little more? Confuse me And I never thought that you Who would believe that I wasn’t good enough? Those things I never thought you’d do You got the best of me You got the best of me, when you said you didn’t love me anymore And I know, this will be the last time You’ve got me, running in circles like a freak So why do you try, to kick me when I’m down I’m down, all the way down Put me away again Every now and then Your bottle spinning my fate While I hold my breath Don’t sweat the lies that you say I control Confuse me a little more (Confuse me) And I never thought that you Who would believe that I wasn’t good enough? Those things I never thought you’d do You got the best of me You and all your secrets don’t need me You got the best of me, when you said you didn’t love me anymore And I know, this will be the last time You’ve got me, running in circles like a freak So why do you try to, kick me when I’m down I’m down So when you say you’ve let me go, let me go ‘Cause you didn’t care about this, sorry you I guess you’ll be all right Now that you’ve got things to go your way How could you be like this? This it the last time but you don’t hear me though You got the best of me, when you said you didn’t love me anymore And I know, this will be the last time You’ve got me, running in circles like a freak So why do you try to, kick me when I’m down I don’t understand the way That you’re thinking, thinking, Andrea Who could believe that I wasn’t good enough? Who could believe that I wasn’t good enough? Confuse me a little more Who would believe that I wasn’t good enough? Who could believe that I wasn’t good enough? This is just the song that keep rattling through my brain. I really like it. Hear the song here
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Post by Admin on Jul 3, 2013 21:55:41 GMT -5
Today I was reminded that: nothing is as good as you can imagine it.
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Post by Admin on Jul 6, 2013 8:02:21 GMT -5
Being shit-faced drunk before nine a.m. feels like the most natural thing in the world to me. Especially when I think that I have responsibilities to attend to in a few hours. God, I've missed this feeling. It feels like I'm back in my own skin again. It feels right. Not exactly like it used to be--like when you take off nail polish and your hands suddenly feel to light. I feel my mind easing and I know that--now this feeling has been restored, my life can be simpler again. I can finally do anything I have to.
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Post by Admin on Jul 28, 2013 23:56:14 GMT -5
"Same shit different day" has never described my life so perfectly as today.
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Post by Admin on Oct 17, 2013 20:03:12 GMT -5
Please: teach me all this, in 8 Easy Steps. The course of a lifetime I'll never forget.
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Post by Admin on Nov 14, 2013 20:38:58 GMT -5
I feel like I'm alone, even when I'm surrounded by people. Everyone I reach out to, every time I reach out, denies me. What am I to make of that? Am I really so hard to be around? To care for? I know that I can be a little demanding. So tell me when I'm being unreasonable. Don't just shut me out.
The past few weeks have really put my life into perspective. There is nothing--no one--here for me. I will never make it on my own if I stay. I will always look to the people that used to matter in my life. I will never be free of them. I've tried going by a new name, being a different person, yet still interacting in my old life. The two started to intertwine and now I've two lives that I don't want anymore.
I have a so-called friend that is constantly trying to get me high or drunk. That wouldn't bother me so much if it was ever when I wanted to be in an altered state of mind. The days when all I want to do is pretend to be someone else is the days when I have to be myself, alone. She's unavailable to help me reach that place in my mind where I'm not any of my current selves.
More often than not, I'm afraid to get drunk by myself. No matter how much I want to just drink my problems away, feel that lightweight-heavy feeling that my head gets after a few shots, I'm afraid that the sadness will win out and my old addictions will surface. Its got to be nearly two years now since I gave into them. A fucking miracle that at any moment I know will end. I used to have ways to exorcise the need I had. But not anymore. Its not enough. I look at my kit monthly, knowing its there and I can use it any time I need to makes me not need it. But--fucking hell--do I ever want to. Even though I know it doesn't work for me anymore. I still want to do it. Like everything else in this place, its something that used to be amazing and now its just another thing thats slowly killing me with regretful need.
No One's There - KoRn
You and me We have no faces Soon our lives will be erased Do you think they will remember? Or will we just be replaced Oh I wish that I could see How I wish that I could fly All the things that hang above me To a place where I can cry
So why can it be? No one hears me cry Echoes back at me No one's there To all these nameless feelings I can't deal with in my life To all these greedy people Trying to feed on what is mine You've got to fill your hunger And stop fucking with my mind I know it's time to leave these places far behind
You and me We have no faces They don't see us anymore Without love as they had promised And no faith for what's in store Oh I wish that I could see How I wish that I could fly All the things that hang above me To a place where I can cry
So why can it be? No one hears me cry Echoes back at me No one's there To all these nameless feelings I can't deal with in my life To all these greedy people Trying to feed on what is mine You've got to fill your hunger And stop fucking with my mind I know it's time to leave these places far behind
Where are all these feelings hiding? Dancing in and out my mind Burning up all that I long for Feeding me till my decline Where are you? My soul is bleeding I am searching Am I blind? All alone and bound forever Trapped inside me for all time
To all these nameless feelings I can't deal with in my life To all these greedy people Trying to feed on what is mine You've got to fill your hunger And stop fucking with my mind I know it's time to leave these places far behind
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Post by Admin on Dec 1, 2013 4:20:34 GMT -5
Every time is the last time.
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Post by Admin on Feb 11, 2014 23:50:27 GMT -5
Today I cared about something--until my friend Jody kindly informed me that I was caring about something, and encouraged me to stop.
Thank you, most excellent friend.
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Post by Admin on Feb 23, 2014 1:33:12 GMT -5
I am drunk. Right. Now. I am listening to music that few would think to associate with me. And I don't care. I don't care that my lipstick is likely smeared. I don't care that every time I remove my headphones I have a violent buzzing in my ears. I don't care. I can taste blood from earlier when I was singing along and I cut my lip on my fangs. Too long since they were a part of me. First world Gothic problems: I had to choose between my headphones and my top hat. Music won that battle of course. I don't need fangs to suck the life out of people; but I need music to feel dead, but alive.
I met a boy. Can you believe he doesn't seem to understand that I'm toxic. That I'm a cruel bitch. He told me he doesn't like pain. He doesn't want to believe that we are incompatible. But I like to hurt those I care for. I also like to be hurt by those that care for me. He won't understand this. He wants to, but he wont be able to. He is just too mundane. We laugh at him for being so naive about me. I told our mutual friend to explain me to him. That no matter what, I don't fit the mold for a normal human being. But its too much amusement to do such a thing. So we shall see this thing into the grave and laugh all the way. Because we are heartless bastards. Cruel beings out to upset the balance.
I wish you were here to see it happen. Because nothing is as good as you can imagine it, and nothing I do is as good as I could imagine it happening with you. I feel my lips tingle from the remembrance of the contact with your lips. I remember being pushed up against the counter in your kitchen. Unable to see straight, the smell of burnt cheese, and the sound of the fridge settling on its legs. It was a long time ago and yet, only yesterday, because that was our last day, and any day could be our last again.
I remember kissing a boy covered in beer. I remember kissing a boy who loved the taste of blood. I remember kissing a girl who wasn't wholly comfortable with what we were doing. I remember trying to act sober for the police when I was so fucked our of my mind I couldn't remember my name as rain fell softly on my face. I remember waking up with you next to me and asking, "what the hell are you doing here?" I remember stroking Tom as I cried and worried about the acts I had committed in daylight hours. I remember trying to sleep in your bed and you telling people to be quiet because I was there and it was hours until I had to fake being sober for work.
I remember my family not being concerned that I walked into my house 30 minutes before I had to leave because I dropped your name. You might not know it, but you saved my life in those years. Before I was ever able to save myself--you were my Ghost. You kept me level when I hurt those that I thought I loved. You made everything bearable. You were the only person that I could talk to about anything--everything. I was covered in blood and you heard my story and didn't judge. You made sure that I was ok and then told me to sleep. A mason jar of water. You will never know how much I appreciated that. And when I was so drunk that my head bounced off the concrete and I felt nothing, you read our story to me--made me at peace. I like to think that I could have died that day, if not for you. It took me two days to recover, but I made it through that first day because Ghost never abandons Steve. And although I've left you, and you've left me, we will never leave each other because we are Ghost and Steve, and not even NOTHING can stop that.
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Post by Admin on Apr 1, 2014 20:52:47 GMT -5
I just do not have the energy nor inclination to deal with this shit. Like, ever.
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Post by Admin on Apr 12, 2014 23:23:11 GMT -5
Today, while driving, I casually saw am old man wearing a t-shirt with breast on it. The nipples were covered by black X's. It really says a lot about this town that I didn't do a double-take.
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Post by Admin on May 17, 2014 23:16:10 GMT -5
I'm drunk and I've been thinking about Welcome to Night Vale for the last hour. I love how Cecil's voice makes me feel safe and yet frightened. I like how it gives me inspiration while making me feel like I've wasted the entirety of my life. I've been drinking for the last two days and I feel as though my stomach is slowly rotting away, a gnawing sensation in my gut, but I don't care enough to stop. If I sober up for longer than an hour I'm frightened of how I might feel. That the world will suddenly become real again and I'll think about what I will be returning to in such a short time. My plan is so sleep in tomorrow until the liquor store opens and then I won't need to be sober for long. I had a Palm Bay with my Lucky Charms this morning. I'll do it again tomorrow if I can.
The people around me seem disinterestedly concerned about my drinking. As if they've never seen me with a drinking problem before. It's only now that they want something from me that they care. Isn't that always the way?
I enjoy this tranquil floating sensation in my mind. I dare say it makes moments of life more bearable. Since my plans have all come to naught, I will have to placate myself in this seemingly easy way.
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Post by Admin on Aug 24, 2014 23:01:15 GMT -5
Do I ask too much of the people around me? Has it been too many times that I've been in need? Tonight I need my friends around me and yet I'm alone. It seems like no one can make time for me.
People that I love are dying and I'm left to suffer alone. I felt alone the last time this horror came around and yet I wasn't. I had a shoulder to lean on at the end of the day. Someone who would just listen to my tears. Somewhere to hide.
I have none of that now. And facing the reality that I'm actually alone through this is daunting. My very best friend in the whole of the cosmos lives so far from me now. The other people that are supposed to be on my side are not around when I need them to be. They have their own lives to live and there just isn't time for my sorrow. Is this what it means to grow up? To shoulder the weight of the world on your own.
Is it really worth it?
More than anything I want to want to live. And most days the desire just isn't there. I imagine the cut of my razorblades across virgin flesh so the sting is even more pronounced. When my blood flows it feels like an embrace. And sometimes, that's all you really need, is arms around you. It becomes a sort of game: feed the need, hide the deed.
Can't leave witnesses.
Tomorrow is another day. And there is a day after that. And another, and another, and another to infinity. Tonight--I'm wearing the costume that gives me the most power. The power to say "I can live through this. I can do anything I have to." I'm listening to music that is meaningless to me and so it means everything and nothing at once.
I honestly don't remember the last time that I cutt. For the last few years I haven't cared enough about anything to want to. Nothing struck me in the heart. Nothing made me take notice that I felt a deep emotion. Neither happiness nor sorrow was so profound that I noticed. I've been living because I'm alive, not because I'm truly living. And how sad is that?
I know that in this state I should just sleep. Sleep it off, and wait for the calm of sobriety. And yet, I know that I won't be able to sleep tonight as I haven't been able to sleep in the weeks past. I thought it was strange, and then I didn't think of it at all. I accepted the shadows that dogged my vision, the heavy weight of my limbs and the slow synapses of my brain. Its become such the norm in the past year that no one else even notices anymore when I look to have two black eyes. When I'm unable to comprehend. When my body fails me.
I can't help myself and yet others still turn to me to help them. How is that fair? How can that work? How do I have time for that? Yes, this is me being selfish, but sometimes I just need it to be about me for more than one sentence at a time.
"Sorry" isn't a cure-all and its very meaningless to those that are being consoled. I'm getting meaner as the night wears on. Speaking my mind and giving in to the change. Pretty soon I won't be able to recognize myself. And that sounds pretty okay to me. At least I'm able to own up to my other side. I hate when people just attribute it to alcohol, to circumstance.
That doesn't apply to me. This is my other half. This is the 'real' me. This is the no-holds-barred version of me that doesn't give a fuck about your feelings. That doesn't give a fuck about consequences or being alive tomorrow.
Sometimes, I look back and wish I felt like this all the time. Because, this, this is living for the moment. Its impossible to see beyond the now in this state. There is no filter in my mind that stops me from hurting others. there is nothing in my mind wishing to make others happy. there is only my desire to be myself. So why doesn't it stick around? Probably because its my friend and they never seem to stay? OH snap!
I need a vacation from my life. A little time away from reality. Maybe even a few years. And yet I wonder how I could accomplish that. And is there anything that I even want to do with my life? There is nothing that I'm curious about. Nothing that I feel I don't already know. And maybe that is what is limiting me.
I hear my name called in the background and it makes me feel like someone out there is calling to me. Calling me to come back to the land of the living. To care about myself for more than just today. And it makes me content to know that someone knows my real name. Not just the one I tell people.
Strangers make the truth easier to bare. Strangers make it easier to believe the lies you tell yourself. If it wasn't for the people I didn't know, I would have convinced myself of my truths years ago. Thank gawd for those people that you can tell your secrets to without fear of being believed.
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Post by Admin on Dec 8, 2014 0:01:21 GMT -5
There was a death. I suffered through it alone. Like I knew I would. Because as much as people say they care about me, we all only care about something for as long as its relevant. I was fine as long as no one talked to me about it. So people left me the fuck alone. And I made it through. That's what we do when we are champions. When we are crusaders fighting against the oppression that is life. We make it through.
I was hospitalized. Unrelated they said. I doubt it. I wanted to die. It hurt so bad. Sick of feeling sick. Sick of being sick. Sick of it all.
There was another death. Because everything that is alive must die. And bad news comes in threes. Because I can't ever be ok. Because I had dreams of making my life better--even just for a moment. I realize now that I can never aspire to be anything other than what I am now.
There is no where to hide from who I am, but I'm going to try. I'm going away for a while. Going to see someone who I think still understands me. A person who I don't wake up in the morning and hate on instinct.
I don't write anymore. I don't read anymore. I don't sing to myself when I think no one is around. I'm going through the motions. All I want is for someone near me to realize this and help me. Clearly I don't know how to help myself. I only feel this way late at night. During the light of day I can pretend that I'm ok. That I haven't been thinking about my kit since I walked out of my door in the morning. I pretend that it doesn't hurt me to be breathing. But I did think about my kit all day--it does hurt me to just be breathing.
I'm not the only one who feels this way. I know I'm not the only person who is having the hardest time of their life. It gets easier as time goes on and yet, every day is the hardest day of my life. I tell myself: "Nothing can stop me now." Nothing except myself. If there was any other obstacle in my path I know I could overcome it and triumph. But I will always hold myself back. There is nothing more detrimental to my success than myself. There is nothing in this world that I hate more than myself. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that can stop me---except me. Someone please tell me how I can get rid of myself and yet remain. How can I live after I've killed my self? How do I become that which I am not?
Just thinking about it all brings a metallic taste to my mouth. The savory flavour that lingers under my tongue after steel kisses flesh. But I'm cold. Tired to the bone. And I know that absolutely nothing will be solved if I take this path. If I take any path. Fuck it all. Winning is an illusion that I saw through ages ago. And yet these words haunt me: "Let there be, let there always be, never ending light."
When you are surrounded by two hundred disillusioned youth singing about hope, you can't help but want to believe that it gets better. That all of those people have felt exactly what you feel, every day, and you are not alone. I never realized how much I've come to rely on that experience until it was denied. That 'Perpetual' has more meaning that I could fathom. So, let there be never ending light for all of us.
"Perpetual" by VNV Nation
Find it in you, raise your eyes Look beyond the place you stand Towards the furthest reaches And to the smallest of things The sound you're hearing Is the symphony of what we are Revelation will not come With heart and mind closed and divided
No need of sun to light the way Across the ages, we have reigned as we endured Through the storm fronts we will ever surely pass To stand as never ending light
Throw away the mantle Awake from your uncertain hesitation No way to describe or equate the feeling No end to what is at your command A million thoughts run through you Concentric circles, ever greater But you have always known That this is not all that there is To your questions there'll be answers
Let there be, let there always be Never ending light
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Post by Admin on Jun 19, 2015 22:36:48 GMT -5
Tonight I was in my favourite place on Earth. I was sitting on the break wall. It was night. I was overlooking the water. I could see the coast and all I could think about is how its changed over the years that I've known it. This beach used to be the nicest I had ever seen. there was nothing that I would ever want to change. The sand was grated, clean, and everything was aesthetically pleasing. Fast-forward just a few years and some city council people decide that they would create a "tourist" beach by leaving the beach to the elements and reintroducing beach grasses. Who wants grass on a beach? What the fuck? Now they've also cordoned off parts of the beach for tents, created a boardwalk, and a wooden walk-way down to the water. Gawd forbid someone get sand in their shoes on the way to the water.
That's progress for you, I guess. Nothing is ever as good as it used to be. We all pine for nostalgic things.
Still--I saw one of the greatest night skies of my life. It nearly brought me to tears. The moon was a bright, small crescent, but it illuminated the outline of a full moon. Directly above it was the brightest start in the sky. The surrounding stars seemed intimidated by their brightness. Underneath the moon the sky faded from night sky, to deep blue, into a bruise purple, a dark crimson that ended at the ebony water on the horizon. The moon was reflected in a long line across the still water from break wall to beach. It was magical to behold. And the only thing I could think of--other than the sheer awesome beauty I was beholding--was that I wish I had someone to share this moment with.
I don't think I would have appreciated the scene as much if I had someone with me. I still wish that there was someone with me to ease my loneliness. I'm so tired of being alone. I fear that by the time someone wants to spend time with me, I will have become so comfortable with my own company that I will stop seeking the company of others. I know it will happen sooner rather than later.
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Post by Admin on Jul 17, 2015 2:21:00 GMT -5
I bought Gatorade today. Thank fuck. Its going to be a rough day.
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Post by Admin on Mar 16, 2016 16:08:54 GMT -5
Its been a long time since I wanted to just lay in bed and cry while someone held me. I don't think I've ever wanted it more than I do today.
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