DolorNoir
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Post by DolorNoir on Dec 26, 2010 23:43:09 GMT -5
this is what i currently feel like: awkward
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DolorNoir
Archfiend
4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Feb 21, 2011 20:23:00 GMT -5
Gah! Stupid life is at it again! I swear it never stops! Or even pauses! Where the hell is my damn pause button? Ugh! So this is how the soap opera has been going lately....
Last Friday this guy whom I thought was really attractive and pretty cool invited me to hang out with him. So I did. We went to his house and smoked hash and drank beer and ended up having sex while watching a movie. I stayed with him until 2:30am when I had to be up for work by 7:00am. I had had a pleasant evening though, so I didn't mind a whole lot the lack of sleep. He was very endearing and so from there on out I decided that I was starting to actually like him.
On the following Monday we drank beer and watched movies and had sex again. But the endearment was wearing off and he seemed more distant than last time but quicker with getting my belt unbuckled.
I looked him in the eyes aferwards and asked him "Do you actually like me or do you just find me physically attractive?"
His response was "I like hanging out with you because you're smart and you teach me things, like new words...I love your hair... You look really good naked."
It was not lost on me that he had evaded the question. I let it go and just said. "Okay. It's just that I can't tell where I stand with you, and I find that bizarre because I can usually tell." He said no more.
He started falling asleep around 1am. I got my stuff together and woke him up. I told him I had to go home. He said "Honestly Lucy, I'm not walking you home. I have school at 9 tomorrow morning." I was mad. I walked home alone at 1:30am, six days after a different girl had been raped while walking through a park in our town. I had to go past two or three parks on my way home, and since the short cut I would have normally taken went through dark forest at night and a park, I didn't want to take it alone. So instead of having a 15 minute walk ahead of me, it was now 25.
And I felt like a fuck and chuck.
I was offended that he wouldn't walk me home and I was offended that he could not tell me straight forward that he just wanted sex. I was not hurt because he did not want to be my boyfriend, I can screw until the cows come home and then some and not feel a thing. I do not want a boyfriend. I was irate that he didn't think I would be able to handle knowing he wanted a strictly physical relationship. I felt discredited that he felt he couldn't tell me the bold naked truth.
He has not tried to contact me since last Monday.
I messaged him last Wednesday to try to figure out if that was it or not. He gave ambiguous responses and told me he was busy with school work. A total brush off.
My ego is bruised and I take offense.
Oh! But it gets worse!
On Wednesday night I was in the lavatory and got a terrible sharp pain down there. I have a bladder infection. The next day I took a sick day off work and called my doctor's office. I have been going to this doctor since before I was even born (literally). They have never not been able to accommodate me at no notice. The new secretary was a bitch and told me the day was completely booked up, go to the walk-in clinic on the other side of town, a 15 to 20 minute drive from my house. I had no way of getting there. I called the walk-in clinic, there was an estimated waiting time of 2 hours. I got mad. I had skipped work and couldn't even see a doctor! So from Wednesday night to Tuesday afternoon (Tuesday being my next day off) I waited, as my condition worsened and my kidneys and back became painfully affected. I am now on a prescription of antibiotics, which cost me $10, not to mention the cranberry vitamins I had to get, and the day's pay I missed. I am still experiencing sharp kidney and back pain right this very second. Yesterday the pain in my left was so bad I was limping, and wouldn't even get up to make food.
The sex was nice, but I am annoyed and in physical pain. It was not worth this.
*Note:* This happened a while ago. The pain actually became so bad that I had to go to the emergency room. In theory, I am now celibate.
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DolorNoir
Archfiend
4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Feb 21, 2011 22:00:44 GMT -5
Today my brother and one of his female friends drove up to our family's cottage. Before leaving she came into our house to use the washroom. I do not like this girl. Last time she was over she was rude to me. My first thought was to continue with the university assignment I was working on and not pay any attention to her when she came into the room, just ignore her and not look up. Then I decided against this. Having recently experienced the very same sort of treatment from someone who claimed I was their best friend, I knew that this behaviour would reflect as rude, immature, and petty. So I took the high ground and initiated by waving at her. A brief and somewhat strained but perfectly normal civilized conversation followed.
On another note yesterday was gawd awful. I called 911 because I thought one of my friend's was in the process of killing herself.
On Wednesday we were supposed to go to an Emilie Autumn concert. It was canceled and postponed for a day that does not work for me. I have class on Tuesdays.
On Thursday I walked into one of my places of employment (I have two jobs), and my boss handed me the paycheck from the previous Friday. Then she told me not to cash it because the money hadn't come through and the check would bounce. I said I was not going to work if I was not going to get paid, and if I wasn't paid by Monday I was quitting. I walked out of the office seven and a half hours early. I still haven't been paid. I'm calling the labour board on Thursday if I don't get my money by then.
I finished two papers for my class, read the assigned readings for the week, and did research for a group seminar presentation I had coming up.
I am also planning a trip to Montreal again with my closest for the five nights of the Kinetik music Festival in May. What I would love to do is buy a used wedding gown and wear it on the night I feel the craziest. I will be a renegade fucked up bride marrying myself in a town where nobody knows me. Plus I love the idea of the dress but hate the idea of any actual marriage or wedding. So this would work out perfectly.
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DolorNoir
Archfiend
4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Mar 3, 2011 1:04:29 GMT -5
Dear Diary, I have just turned down two guys in two days. What makes me so interesting?
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DolorNoir
Archfiend
4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Mar 4, 2011 17:50:57 GMT -5
Sweet lemonade Batman! The most awkwardest thing ever JUST happened to me!
My family and I went to the local fast food place for din dins and according to my sister and mother the boy behind the counter smiled Beautifully at me, and all I did was say "I'm cold." and went to stand (hide) behind my sister.
I was completely unaware of the boy smiling. But mom and my sister say I positively ran away and hid from him! Well anyway I was completely unaware of all of this until we went to sit down and eat at a table. My sister told me what had happened and that I should give the guy my number.
I said "You do it!" she said "Fine!" and when I said "Good!"she started to show signs of chickening out, at which point my mom said "I'll do it!" and with a sharpie wrote down my name and number on the back of a paper place mat.
My sister finally ended up taking it to the guy, while I high tailed it outta the place, feeling very peculiar, awkward and giggly. We waited for her in the car. She came out and said "He's gay!" I congratulated her for actually doing it! That girl has gutz!
The guy is now texting me anyway though and wants me to add him on the most popular social networking website. I don't mean to generalize but I have found that gay people DO make good friends.
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DolorNoir
Archfiend
4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Mar 10, 2011 23:40:32 GMT -5
hahah! guess what bitches? i am still feckin amaxing no matter what you do! hazaa!
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DolorNoir
Archfiend
4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Apr 8, 2011 0:07:10 GMT -5
i am resentful. i am angry. i am sick of being this way. fuck off and stand aside, it's time for action.
.... and i am performing opera tomorrow night for the fist time in over 2 years.
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DolorNoir
Archfiend
4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on May 10, 2011 17:08:38 GMT -5
I am better. Really I am. I know I have gotten better because I feel it. I have things to do. I am full of potential. This is going to be hard. Really fucking hard. But I can do this.
In the last two weeks I have made changes. I have initiated permanent change as well. I have applied for university, cut off my hair, gotten three more piercings, and today I bought a laptop. Fucking huge nervous investment for a guy like me. Time to go to the bank, assess the damage. It isn't like I have much of an income, $200 a week if I'm lucky.
I applied for the Bachelor Degree program in Linguistics. Now I just have to fax off my transcripts....
I am going to Montreal next week for Kinetik again, a five night electro-industrial music festival. Yes, I definitely have to go to the bank.
There's a really cute pair of thigh high lace up platform buckle boots that I tried on in a sex shop last week. Fuck. I want them.
At least I'm getting better. I think. I hope.
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DolorNoir
Archfiend
4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Jun 4, 2011 23:48:56 GMT -5
Today is not okay. My mom started panicking and crying this morning about how we have to get on a family plan with our sell phones, and how her current cell phone doesn't work down in Buffalo and dad doesn't know what it's like to be a woman living in an empty residence building and not have a phone. And I Have not found a new job yet, so I had to go to work. I hate my job. When I get off work we have to go to Rogers to all get new fucking blackberries and invest in some giant family plan. We went there without doing much shopping around at all, which really pissed me off because all five of us are with telus, telus should be able to do something for us. But no, we had to go to Rogers, that bullshit fucking place with their commercials that are completely derrogatory and offensive to women, and we had to make the very uninformed decision to all get blackberries. Did I mention I had just gotten off of work? I was tired and hungry, and we were at Rogers for over two hours!!! And I just put time on my Telus phone literally last night because nobody fucking told me not to waste money with telus because we'd be getting new blackberries tomorrow! It was not even discussed with my dad or brother, the latter went to a cottage yesterday afternoon so my mom picked him out a blackberry. My dad only went along with it today because he didn't realize we all had to get new phones. When I mentioned it he got pissed off. My mother is a fucking moron sometimes, she is just blowing money she doesn't have on shit we haven't discussed. And there is no special plan or deal on using her new blackberry in the states. NONE! So fuck that! So yeah... Oh! but on the bright side, I was such a bitch at Rogers today that they gave us three of the blackberries and the phone my dad is getting for free. Thank me any fucking time for that one. Did I mention we can't afford any of this shit? Mom just quit her job two weeks ago to go back to school. That's why she's going to Buffalo, where her blackberry doesn't have a special plan either! So the three of us will be moving out to different schools in different cities in three months, and we won't even be able to depend on our parents for anything because without mopm working we can barely cover the fucking mortgage! She is using her retirement fund as tuition! So how fucking clever of her to panick about needing a phone in Buffalo and signing us all on a three year contract! Not to mention putting a shitload of money she doesn't have on her credit card! She can feel great going out buying new phones for five people who already have them but she can't put a dime in an education fund for me? Fuck! We are going to be piss broke, we'll come home to raid the fridge and find lo and behold that our parents can't afford groceries any more either. She could not have timed it better to quit her job and go back to school and blow money. And my sister doesn't help, she encourages all this on the simple basis that she wanted a blackberry and we needed a family plan anyway! I have only had my phone for five months, and now I don't need it anymore. I wasted twenty fucking dollars on time for it yesterday because nobody wanted to sit down and have a rational discussion about getting new phones or a family plan except for my sister, who got the best fucking one. My brother doesn't even know about this! He'll just come home and get a blackberry! Nobody said a word to him about this or even asked if he wanted a Blackberry or what features it should have! Whatever, I might sound like a spoiled brat, but being a bitch today got free blackberries... which I don't even need!!! Not impressed! Plus I am broke and I fucking hate my job and I have to wake up early tomorrow just to go to it! And being broke means I can't quit my job or go on vacation. I want to go out west! To Alberta and British Columbia! And don't get me started on all the fucking downer bullshit I had to deal with in Montreal! Where the fuck is a travel buddy who wants to have fun? I want one of those! I have had enough of this stick in the mud stumblefuckity! And I have had enough of my mother's watery eyes and stupid whispery serious voice when she starts panicking or getting upset and the only fucking thing that makes her feel better is blowing money she doesn't have! Ugh! Thirty minute rant!
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DolorNoir
Archfiend
4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Jul 8, 2011 11:01:45 GMT -5
Dear Diary,
There is no mac'n'cheese. Or crackers. Or Fairtrade Organic chocolate in my house. I feel a bit cranky.
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DolorNoir
Archfiend
4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Aug 22, 2011 1:57:00 GMT -5
I miss you.
I love you.
But I can't put up with all this shit anymore.
I have to escape this gaping inertia.
You know that.
I know you do.
I know you have to go too.
I'm not sure of the methods exactly, but they don't feel wrong.
I'm still your Ghost.
But I'm haunting somewhere else.
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DolorNoir
Archfiend
4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Aug 27, 2011 1:47:59 GMT -5
fuck.
i just took it out of the hiding spot.
i started slicing again.
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Post by Admin on Sept 29, 2011 17:49:46 GMT -5
I understand that you need to haunt somewhere else. I still love you, and I'm confident that the T-bird will drive each of us down a different curvy road, with lots of steeps and slopes, that will eventually lead to a clearing overlooking the many lights below. That will be the place where we can recount the adventures, both real and imaginary, that we had along the way. One route might take longer than the other, but I hope that we will both have the patience and desire to wait for our lost souls.
I do miss you terribly. I've never gone so long without you. I didn't know that I could. Though I still harbour some bitter feelings (as is my way), I do wish you all the best and happiness in your escape.
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DolorNoir
Archfiend
4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Oct 28, 2011 0:35:27 GMT -5
purely by coincidence, my tears are literally dripping to the open pages of our White Horse Whiskey tale. they dripped onto page 16 and 17. you know what's written there. i literally just read about our t-bird adventures through the country side on the previous page.
you know i'm still pissed, i'm going to hold onto that (you know it's the thing i do), but i do thank you for the well wishes, and since you've never been much of a bull-shitter i will believe you are sincere. i'm quite confident we'll meet again. pick up where we dropped off.
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DolorNoir
Archfiend
4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Jan 2, 2012 16:00:01 GMT -5
I think this is the most alone I have felt perhaps in my whole life. It is not sad, it is not desperate, it is simply disconnected. From everyone. And I do not feel lonely.
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DolorNoir
Archfiend
4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Jan 8, 2012 14:43:47 GMT -5
My feet make that clammy slapping sound as I walk the short few steps through the bathroom to the toilet. Jeez, how many times in a day does one person have to piss? You're welcome for that detail. The sound of clammy feet across tile in the middle of the afternoon fascinates me. I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe it's the whole sick university student all alone in her apartment in just her underwear thing I've got going on right now. It's like a horror movie where nothing happens but I eventually stop hacking up phlegm. (You're welcome for that detail too.) The slapping feet on tiles noise is straight outta the sound effects department in Hollywood though. Really, I'm sure it is.
Anyway though I read my currently on hiatus friend's journal, and if there were two of me I'd be making bets about who fucked up now. I'm all too familiar with that goddamn rotating door of go fuck yourselfs. But that's not my can of worms.
I've got plenty of work to be doing right now and plenty of motivation to be doing it. But hey, I know it will get done eventually, so why shouldn't I procrastinate? My fucked up pink hair isn't worried about it. Speaking of which, I need a haircut.
Yeah that's it, I'll get a haircut, then I'll really be back in business and full of beans.
Anyway though, mom texted me upon my waking today to say that the cat is probably dying and that they might take her to the vet to be put down. I don't know how I feel about this. Last I heard she was still alive but mom said her body had went cold. And that is not a good sign. Dad thinks it's pneumonia. Really though, I can not decide how to feel about this. I guess most of all I'm sorry I didn't spend more time with her.
pisces canere non possunt: pisces voces non habent
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DolorNoir
Archfiend
4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Jan 13, 2012 3:09:39 GMT -5
the cat is dead.
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DolorNoir
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4am knows all my secrets
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Post by DolorNoir on Jan 27, 2012 18:26:27 GMT -5
feeling like the main junk inside me is cold and cracked like clouds in the sky at the sunrise of the beginning of melancholy. only the sun never rises, the cracked and cursed pre dawn clouds stretch and shift and send the cold through your waiting wet eyes and down your veins turning your blood to cold water and so many broken promises and so many old friends that mean such a large hole of nothing. the cold expands and all the cracks tighten and your insides twitch and shudder and you feel the softness inside you pulling into stony fabric. the softness of life of warm touchable flesh pulls into itself and you wonder how you should feel about this as you feel yourself getting thinner and the sky keeps cracking and you can feel the jaws of dawn stretching with empty hunger and no one is beside you and it feels like no one ever was because you are in your tightening cracking thinning self alone and no one else will stop this life from happening to you and no one else is here to see the melancholy dawn stretching and swallowing me whole.
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DolorNoir
Archfiend
4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Feb 2, 2012 16:42:40 GMT -5
just because you love someone does not mean they aren't a horrible person
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DolorNoir
Archfiend
4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Feb 3, 2012 17:34:23 GMT -5
woo hooo! i am pulling a high A average at university! i am flying high! time to keep on studying and eventually take a shower! with soap and everything !
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DolorNoir
Archfiend
4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Feb 24, 2012 7:11:00 GMT -5
slut noun 1. a dirty, slovenly woman. 2. an immoral or dissolute woman; prostitute.
dissolute adjective indifferent to moral restraints; given to immoral or improper conduct; licentious; dissipated
improper adjective 1. not proper; not strictly belonging, applicable, correct, etc.; erroneous: He drew improper conclusions from the scant evidence. 2. not in accordance with propriety of behavior, manners, etc.: improper conduct at a funeral. 3. unsuitable or inappropriate, as for the purpose or occasion: improper attire for a formal dance. 4.abnormal or irregular: improper functioning of the speech mechanism.
propriety noun 1. conformity to established standards of good or proper behavior or manners. 2. appropriateness to the purpose or circumstances; suitability. 3. rightness or justness. 4. the proprieties, the conventional standards of proper behavior; manners: to observe the proprieties.
conformity noun 1. action in accord with prevailing social standards, attitudes, practices, etc. 2. correspondence in form, nature, or character; agreement, congruity, or accordance. 3. compliance or acquiescence; obedience.
I am a sloppy adult female who doesn't like to bathe. I'm not bothered or troubled by this either way. If you were dead I wouldn't laugh, but I might not show up wearing a black suit either. But fuck that establishment, those standards aren't good enough for me. Because obedience just isn't in my programming, and some of us were never meant to fit in.
~~~~~~~~~~ ~ ~ ~~~~~ erratic!!! ~~ ~ ~~~~~ ~ ~~
It's reading week for me. I have spent it indulging in various shady doings that I am absolutely sure you will know everything (or big goddamned fat nothing) about. It seems like all the people around me are dealing with stressful junk. My nearest and dearest have respectively been recently plagued by stomach ulcers, anxiety from school work, exhaustion from money work, lesson plan challenges with learning work, the process of becoming a solitary shut in, the panic that they will never be a parent, physical pain, homesickness, mental illness, and horse shit social dilemmas. I feel like the unfeeling calm little centre of the universe. I am not scared, I'm not crying for anyone's bullshit life, and I have a lot of work to do. It's like that convict said: "Do your own time, and no one else's." I've got my can of worms. Everyone else has theirs. Say what you want, this can is mine, not yours. Although I was very happy to see some of my closest friends today for the first time in quite a while, and peel back the tin lid just a little, for just a peak.
femina dormiens ambulat per campo, cordis plenus aquae frigida et lacrimae
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DolorNoir
Archfiend
4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Feb 28, 2012 17:28:06 GMT -5
perfection is in perception
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DolorNoir
Archfiend
4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Mar 17, 2012 18:28:03 GMT -5
when it rains it fucking pours.
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DolorNoir
Archfiend
4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Mar 22, 2012 11:26:24 GMT -5
Dear Diary,
That popular social networking site sincerely is the devil! I keep trying to 'Like' things on my writers forum! God Help Me! Plus yesterday I found out that academic advising has led me astray, I am missing 12 General Education credits. This means that for half of next year I will still be in first year classes. Oh well though, slow and steady wins the race. At this rate I should have two Specialized Honours BA degrees and a language proficiency certificate 5 years from now. It's crazy thing to think about so far in advance, like right now that doesn't even feel real, I'm just finishing up first year.
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DolorNoir
Archfiend
4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Mar 29, 2012 1:07:22 GMT -5
we are living in a rape culture and it is suffocating me at every turn.
if you don't know what i am talking about, just go google it.
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DolorNoir
Archfiend
4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Apr 14, 2012 16:10:22 GMT -5
Dear Diary, I'm moving home in a week or so. Home as in back to my parents place, where I will stay for the next four months while I work and make money for the next school year, when I will move out again. I can't say I'm looking forward to living in that town again, but at least I know I won't be there again for too long. Actually I might only be home for five days before I go elsewhere again, BC to see my grandmother. She had breast cancer last year. They operated and it looks like she's alright now though. Turns out though that there are two generations of breast cancer on my dad's side and two generations of brain tumors on mom's. Time to avoid aging and time to change my DNA. Speaking of aging my birthday is this week. I was going to ask if you'd want to get together next week for coffee or drinks or something small (or large if you'd prefer) for our birthday. It's what we've been doing for years and it seems an appropriate time for a reunion.
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DolorNoir
Archfiend
4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Apr 22, 2012 21:57:48 GMT -5
Dear Diary,
Moving home has been pretty alright so far. I think I've spent more time here sleeping than doing anything else. Famjam hasn't gotten on my case or under my skin yet. I'm hoping that lasts as long as possible.
My birthday came and went. I'm thinking of not having them anymore. I really haven't enjoyed the last two, and I'm going to have exams in mid-April for at least the next five years. It also didn't help that two of my good friends messaged me on the day of and still completely forgot about it. And it didn't help that one of those friends has broken two promises to me, and also only sees me on his own convenience, since his girlfriend seems to hates me and thinks I'm a slut, even though I haven't spoken to her in a year and didn't do anything mean or bad to either of them. Anyway though, strongly considering aging in relative silence from now on.
I've continued being a hermit. I haven't felt like seeing people in weeks. I'm going shopping for a swimsuit tomorrow though, with my sister. I dread seeing anyone I know at the mall. It's a weird feeling, but I do not want to talk face to face with acquaintances I probably don't give a poop about, or those who don't give a poop about me.
At least I finished first year all in one piece.
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DolorNoir
Archfiend
4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on May 23, 2012 12:14:38 GMT -5
Dear Diary,
Why does everything require so much effort?
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DolorNoir
Archfiend
4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on May 29, 2012 2:14:19 GMT -5
...and sometimes all you want at the end of the day is whomever knows how to cuddle you properly. Sometimes the best satisfaction comes from looking in the mirror and appreciating all the little lovely things, and knowing you have something great.
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DolorNoir
Archfiend
4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Jun 14, 2012 0:20:44 GMT -5
I am bewildered.
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