DolorNoir
Archfiend
4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Jan 3, 2006 19:24:00 GMT -5
Jason was tired. He hadn't slept for a long time. Although he'd never admit it, he feared that the rats would eat his wasted life as he dreamed of a better one. He dozed on the train, but was constantly being rattled back to reality. He guessed he would just have to stay awake until he came to the next city. Jason was six-teen. He was thin and wiry, with some protruding muscle. His full height had yet to be achieved; he stood five and a half feet tall. His hair wasn't thick, but nor was it thin. It was -however- fairly dirty, but still a lovely dark shade of chestnut, coming in jagged locks to his chin and shoulders. His eyes were a dark green color, long with sharp corners. His nose was small, his mouth thin and miserable, and a slim few blemishes marred his pale skin. His mother had went A.W.O.L. with some guy again.He'd waited a week in the dingy apartment for her to return, intoxicated and violent, but she never came. The jerk of a landlord had evicted them; the rent was four weeks overdue. The train was drafty, and through his stained T-shirt and worn jean-jacket, he felt the ice rushing through his bones. Jason's' loose jeans had holes scraped through the knees and other various places. The frost seemed to touch his legs as well. "Ah, yes," he thought,"I'll just move over a few towns. My problems will soon end." The train rattled on, a ramshackle hunk of junkyard metal with rusted wheels. Most saw it as the train to nowhere. Nowhere important anyway... It was close to midnight and few others were on the train, perhaps a couple hobos and a woman in a revealing outfit,but that was it. "Hey. What's up?" Jason turned away from the window, and took a double take of the girl standing beside him; the audio didn't match the visual. A girl of perhaps seventeen or eighteen years took a seat beside him. She wore a black leather jacket, worn and tough, probably from the eighties, black jeans, a T-shirt, combat boots, and an old top hat. All black. Around her neck hung a silver ankh, a cross with a loop at the top, Egyptian symbol of death. Long black curly hair flowed over her shoulders, and black eyeliner perimetering the Grey irises. "What do you want?" Jason asked suspiciously. "Not much, Jason." She sprawled out in the seat beside his. She was quite thin, he noticed. But more importantly, she knew his name. "Where are we going?" she asked excitedly, although her eyes were half closed, and she faced forward. "We?" Jason was perplexed. Who was she? "Yeah. Where are we going?" she repeated. Jason shrugged. "Far away." "You should get off at the next stop." "What?"he stammered. Was she out of it? "You should get off at the next stop." she repeated, more demanding than suggestive. "Trust me. You don't want to go farther than the next station." "Trust? You? I don't trust anyone.Besides, this could be my ride out." he reasoned. "Don't waste yourself. Get off. I don't want to know you yet. But no one knows better than me what's about to happen." her voice was soft, and her eyes filled with sorrow. "Who are you?" Jason demanded harshly. "You who knows all? You who gives ridiculous orders to perfect strangers? Butt out and step off!" he growled, once again turning to the window. "Who am I?" she said, that lazy half lidded smile still on her face." I'm Death."
Jason picked up a newspaper from last week as he took a swig of black coffee. He'd found a job at a shabby cafe, and was on his break. He once again found himself thinking of that girl on the train, and how peculiar she'd been. Still he was confused at how she'd been sitting with him one second,then the next had disappeared. He'd been freaked out, and had jumped off the ramshackle hunk of junk with rusted wheels at Burningham station, not his intended destination. He suddenly blanched as he read the week-old headline: "Train Accident, Just South of Burningham Station; Seven Dead".
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Post by Dark on Jan 3, 2006 23:48:46 GMT -5
I loved it! Much better than your first story...no offense....
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DolorNoir
Archfiend
4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Jan 4, 2006 17:34:03 GMT -5
thanks. no offense taken. i also agree. what was yourfavorite part about it/ what did you like about it?
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Post by Dark on Jan 5, 2006 19:47:41 GMT -5
I liked the ending the best.
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DolorNoir
Archfiend
4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Jan 5, 2006 23:07:49 GMT -5
how theres a jolt and then it just drops and the story ends?
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Post by Dark on Jan 6, 2006 14:07:39 GMT -5
No....just like the ending and how he finds out about the train crash...*shrugs*
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DolorNoir
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4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Jan 6, 2006 17:39:29 GMT -5
good im thinking of writing more about Jason i like that character...
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Post by Dark on Jan 6, 2006 23:52:35 GMT -5
LOL! good job!
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DolorNoir
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Post by DolorNoir on Jan 9, 2006 20:01:08 GMT -5
i just like that character... perhaps i should have him meet up with some of my other characters... Nah! i think ill just add new people to his life... or maybe i should have him meet my other characters... I CANT DECIDE! maybe ill send him to a portal on the inside of a mirror.... lol tell me what to do! sometimes thats the only way i can get things decided ... lol
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Post by Dark on Jan 10, 2006 10:27:56 GMT -5
HMMM.....how about have other people join into his thing? I don't know.....*ponders*
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DolorNoir
Archfiend
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Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Jan 10, 2006 19:40:00 GMT -5
sounds goodbut who do you mean by other people?
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Post by Dark on Jan 11, 2006 10:29:51 GMT -5
Your other characters lol...you said you were thinking about making them meet each other....
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DolorNoir
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Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Jan 11, 2006 22:48:04 GMT -5
right! that! if i ever again can find a spare minute
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DolorNoir
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Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Jan 13, 2006 19:29:31 GMT -5
yep anyone else with any opinions on the story?
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DolorNoir
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Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Jan 17, 2006 11:36:33 GMT -5
nope i like to hear opinions though... ah well!
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DolorNoir
Archfiend
4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Jan 19, 2006 20:26:15 GMT -5
feh! i doubt it! but you seem optimistic... so perhaps they will...
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DolorNoir
Archfiend
4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Jan 20, 2006 18:22:01 GMT -5
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Post by Dark on Jan 21, 2006 22:00:28 GMT -5
So you going to write anymore stories or are you quiting for a while?
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DolorNoir
Archfiend
4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Jan 22, 2006 0:01:27 GMT -5
well im on page 362 of a story that ive been writing since may 2004 but i write little stories inbetween for the introduction of that long story though, i wrote a four page story about Micheal in Miami in the year 1981 i might post that but i doubt it its kinda .... about him and a stripper i like it a lot though
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Post by Dark on Jan 22, 2006 23:52:36 GMT -5
I see.....why do you like it alot if it's about him and a stripper?
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DolorNoir
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4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Jan 23, 2006 21:27:20 GMT -5
its not nearly as bad as it sounds! lol ! the thing i think youre assuming the story is about consists of 2 EXTREMELY vague sentences... and i mean vague... its a good step up from what i had as an introduction before its some of my betterly written work and its not so much about her profession as is it about ... well it ties in nicely with my story! it also helps me demonstrate Micheals' effect on humans.... you'd probably have to read it to understand it. i think silver has read it i just wrote another about Jason read it!
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DolorNoir
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4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Jan 23, 2006 22:10:47 GMT -5
or actually just wait a day or so until i can have the time to type it and post it
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DolorNoir
Archfiend
4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Jan 24, 2006 18:39:05 GMT -5
sounds like a plan
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Post by Silver on Jan 24, 2006 19:18:58 GMT -5
I liked the story you posted here Lu.. really I did, especially since you put a rather optimistic twist on the end with the cafe etc... nice use of descrip[tion even though some of it seemed a bit much.. a lot about him, but not a lot about his surrounds, such as why it was cold (was it winter/snowing etc.) otherwise nice.
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DolorNoir
Archfiend
4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Jan 24, 2006 20:13:44 GMT -5
thanx i wanted to put a lot of emphasis on Jason. i think the description might have been a little bit much though for such a short story, but it bugs me when i read a book and the characters are only described most scantily (teen romance/dramas are wretched for this). the other story i wrote for jason just doesnt feel right though, you know? i cant bring myself to reveal it yet. its too predictable and too judgemental of stereotypes i might reverse roles.... silver, what did you think of my intro? the one about Cassandra dont worry, im not gonna grill you! just what -if you can recall -was your general feeling towards it?
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Post by Silver on Jan 24, 2006 23:57:16 GMT -5
It was alright, little rough.. but I'm sure you can erase the "sketch lines" and make it a finished product
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Post by Dark on Jan 25, 2006 11:00:22 GMT -5
You can always fix whatever you wrote until it is good *nods*
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DolorNoir
Archfiend
4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Jan 25, 2006 12:14:37 GMT -5
yep:) will do thanx
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Post by Dark on Feb 24, 2006 0:22:26 GMT -5
beats me lol....by the way, I was wondering, why did you call your story what you did?
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DolorNoir
Archfiend
4am knows all my secrets
Posts: 1,560
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Post by DolorNoir on Feb 24, 2006 20:17:07 GMT -5
why did i call it "train ride to no where"?
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